What Summer Music Hit Each AFC Team Would Be

What summer song best exemplifies each AFC team?

 

There are two things we just can’t do without during an American summer. One would be preseason football–despite its fairly insignificant nature, we can’t help but tune in to the intensive media coverages and scrimmage-like games. Another is blasting pop music through speakers, AUX cords, cup holders–whatever you fancy. Certain songs carry on the connotation of being a “summer hit”–songs that are catchy, lyrically simplistic, and generally just make people feel good. I decided to take on the task of matching each NFL team to one of these summer hits.

While most songs are happy and feel-good, not every NFL team is exactly happy-go-lucky right now, so that reality makes for an interesting selection of tunes.

So fire up Spotify, Pandora, or your stereo–if you really still have one of those–and check out the list. Stay tuned next week as I put the NFC under a similar test next week.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots: “We Don’t Talk Anymore” (Charlie Puth feat. Selena Gomez)

Why: After the year they’ve had, I don’t think the Pats are on speaking terms with Roger Goddell and his band of brothers in New York.

New York Jets: “Work From Home” (Fifth Harmony feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

Why: The Jets resigned Ryan Fitzpatrick, and they trusted the system they had going under their own roof. My understanding is that the Jets will work, work, work their way to the playoffs in 2016.

Buffalo Bills: “Sucker For Pain” (Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons with Logic and Ty Dolla $ign feat. X Ambassadors)

Why: Much like this overwhelming record, the Bills are a bit jumbled at the moment. Having to release Karlos Williams had to have been painful for the Bills, but given the last 17 years, maybe they really do enjoy that pain.

Miami Dolphins: “I Hate U I Love U” (gnash feat. Olivia O’Brien)

Why: The Fish have made a trend of making a big acquisition, then letting a star go. Sure, they picked up Arian Foster this offseason, but this team hasn’t had a consistent running back since Ricky Williams, which has led to mediocrity on the field. Even some Dolphins fans might be wondering what their feelings are towards this rag-tag bunch.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers: “Cold Water” (Major Lazer feat. Justin Bieber and MO)

Why: After the offseason Le’Veon Bell has had, as well as the season-long suspension of big-play receiver Martavis Bryant, the Steelers have to be in some chilly waters with the NFL right now.

Cincinnati Bengals: “One Dance” (Drake feat. WizKid and Kyla)

Why: Until they prove me wrong, the Bengals will always be known squarely for their inherent love for playing just one playoff game each season.

Cleveland Browns: “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” (Adele)

Why: This is essentially the message Johnny Manziel would like the Browns organization to relay to RGIII.

Baltimore Ravens: “Panda” (Desiigner)

Why: One of the Ravens best run-stoppers, Courteney Upshaw, is now what Desiigner would call a “broad in Atlanta.” The linebacker was picked up by the Falcons this offseason. To add a point, the Ravens aren’t really about much so far, much like this puzzling hit. Inconsistent on offense and concerning on defense, this team just doesn’t have an identity right now.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts: “Unsteady” (X Ambassadors)

Why: The Colts continue to rise in average age, if the last few years’ signings were any indication (Frank Gore, Matt Hasselbeck, etc.) With the odd collection of players, as well as some crippling preseason injuries, the Colts are going to be a little unsteady going into the season. Good thing they have dynamic offensive standouts like T.Y. Hilton to help steady the ship.

Houston Texans: “I Got The Keys” (DJ Khaled feat. Jay Z And Future)

Why: After winning the AFC South last year, the Texans control their own destiny heading into this season. But they’ll have to put the pedal to the metal and get the offense going right out of the gate, because our next team is going to be right on their heels.

Jacksonville Jaguars: “Don’t Let Me Down” (The Chainsmokers feat. Daya)

Why: The Jags made some serious progress this offseason, grabbing athletic freak Myles Jack in the draft and getting Chris Ivory via free agency to help bolster the backfield. With so much talent in J’Ville, the Jags have to avoid a letdown in 2016.

Tennessee Titans: “Cheap Thrills” (Sia feat. Sean Paul)

Why: The Titans are still paying Marcus Mariota relatively little, and veteran receiver Andre Johnson was an absolute bargain for the Titans, who have nothing to lose. As long as they keep improving, they don’t need no money.

AFC WEST

Denver Broncos: “Stressed Out” (twenty one pilots)

Why: If Gary Kubiak, John Elway and Co. aren’t stressed about the current quarterback situation in Denver, then I don’t know who is.

Kansas City Chiefs: “Sit Still, Look Pretty” (Daya)

Why: The Chiefs knew they had a good package last year, so why mess with it? Expect to see lots of familiar faces in K.C. this year, during what I expect will be an AFC West title season for the boys from Arrowhead.

San Diego Chargers: “Love Yourself” (Justin Bieber)

Why: One thing we know about the Chargers is that Joey Bosa loves himself–apparently enough to hold out during his all-important rookie season. The rookie defensive end won’t play until he works out a deal with the Chargers’ front office. The standoff is real.

Oakland Raiders: “Make You Miss Me” (Sam Hunt)

Why: The Raiders are gonna make Oakland miss them after they’re in Las Vegas, which figures to be as early as 2017, since the Raiders’ lease at the Coliseum expires at the end of this season. Don’t worry, Oakland. You’ll always be the real “Black Hole.”

 

 

Posted by JMac

I'm a sophomore at Marist College. I grew up in Newton, Massachusetts, and I've essentially immersed myself in the Boston sports culture at this point. Let me be clear--the 617 is a G.O.A.T. farm. #idealgaslaw

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