In case you missed it, here are the most totally untrue/sort of true stories you missed from the past week in sports.
LaVar Ball says son Lonzo has a bigger dick than Wilt Chamberlain
Outlandish and soon-to-be billionaire father of the three best basketball players in the history of the universe LaVar Ball surprised many with his latest hot take while appearing on The Herd earlier this week: His oldest son Lonzo has a huge dick.
“Bigger than Wilt’s,” LaVar clarified, to the surprise of Colin Cowherd and the other people in the studio. “I’m sorry, repeat that?” Cowherd asked. “Bigger than Wilt’s,” confirmed Ball.
The headlines just seem to keep pouring in with more unbelievable declarations from the most talked about father in sports–declarations that would make even Skip Bayless cringe. But wait, there’s more! “My youngest son LaMelo…now let me tell you something–” Cowherd fortunately interjected: “OK, OK, LaVar, why don’t you stop yourself right there. I think we’re good.”
“I just want to make it clear,” smiled the elder Ball. “Everything big in the Big Baller Brand.”
No kidding. Full interview here.
Panic continues to mount as Warriors struggle in 30-point win over Orlando
Golden State suffered another setback last night, escaping from the Orlando Magic only narrowly in a 122-92 win at Oracle Arena last night. Their uninspiring performance, in which they struggled out of the gate en route to a 21-point first quarter lead, provides even more fuel to those saying that Golden State’s season is doomed in the wake of Kevin Durant’s injury. “Let’s face it, they’re not good anymore!” barked Trent Dilfer last night on SportsCenter’s postgame show. Earlier today, the aforementioned Cowherd even went so far as to say the Warriors will not even make it out of the first round: “I think the Warriors will not even make it out of the first round.”
Personally, I’m taking a more radical stance. Maybe Golden State’s recent struggles are not too concerning. For instance, according to ESPN’s NBA Standings from 2015-16, the Warriors won a league-high 73 games last season. To put that in perspective: If Golden State lost nine fewer games a year ago, they would’ve finished 82-0. The real concern, though, is Stephen Curry, who’s averaging only 0.8 offensive rebounds per game this season compared to 0.9 in ’15-’16. In fact, last night was the first game all season in which the Warriors have won despite Curry not grabbing an offensive rebound (they were 0-14 beforehand).
In order for Golden State to avoid a premature collapse before they inevitably collapse against the Cavaliers in the Finals, coach Steve Kerr better make sure Curry is controlling the offensive glass.
With baseball dream thriving, Tim Tebow will have to put Master Chef plans on hold
The New York Mets’ World Series hopes to continue to get better by the day with newly-acquired outfielder Tim Tebow rounding into form. The former high school baseball player collected two hits and had a nifty catch in right field, albeit in a Mets loss to the Marlins last Wednesday.
For Tebow, though, success now means he’ll have to put another dream on hold. “It’s always been my dream to win MasterChef,” Tebow admitted in his postgame interview. “The reality cooking show?” clarified a female reporter. “Yes ma’am, the reality cooking show.”
When later asked if it was delusional for him to think that he could become the world’s next greatest chef, Tebow retorted with a surprisingly uplifting response.
“Dreams are based on something that’s in your heart that are passions, that are something that you want to go try. Not on chances,” he said. “You know, I think that’s something that’s unfortunate in society is a lot of people just go do what they feel like they should do and live with the status quo and go live by all these rules and ‘hey, this is going to be OK.’ You know, just go accept your average nine-to-five, rather than striving for something. Because the ultimate goal isn’t to succeed or fail, the ultimate goal is to give it everything you have for something that’s on your heart and a dream and pursuing that.”
The impromptu sermon lasted another twenty-three minutes.